On Peyton Manning's Forehead

Listen, I know professional athletes are creatures of habit, perhaps none more so than Peyton Manning. So if the Sheriff's found a particular make and model of helmet that works for him, more power to him. But it's been so many years since I've started noticing this huge bruise in the middle of his forehead when he pulls the hat off that I'm starting to become legitimately concerned.

I've left a too-tight fitted cap on for a whole night and wound up with that nice red ring around my skull, but it's never gotten as purple and bruised as Manning's forehead in the midst of every single game. I barely recognized Manning on the sidelines during the Broncos' Week 16 game as he nursed his myriad injuries because he didn't have that black and blue mark shaped like a Yoshi's Story boss in the center of his noggin.

Manning is known as a slave to routine, so obviously he prefers headgear that bursts as many blood cells as possible. But why? Does the helmet inject hours of game prep directly into his cerebellum as the game progresses? He has a mythical devotion to tape study, but he's also swamped with advertisements and dismissing HGH claims; maybe he's too busy to spend 45 hours a week in the film room.

Speaking of HGH, Manning has vehemently denied the Al Jazeera story suggesting he used it to help him heal from his troublesome neck injury back in 2012. But he never said anything about anabolic steroids, which has a tendency to cause a user's head to balloon to the size of a beach ball. Maybe Manning's been on the cream and the clear for the better part of the last two decades and we simply didn't know.

Maybe the mark is like the talking scorpion in Orphan Black that tells the ruthless assassin Helena what to do. Or maybe the helmet pushes the blood circulation in his head through specific parts that tells him when to audible to an HB Circle X Sluggo, or when to move his linemen to protect against an A-gap blitz, or to remind him to never throw the ball to Vernon Davis, or to never let Brock Osweiler back into the game again.

Maybe the mark looks exactly like the layout of Omaha. Does anyone know what Omaha looks like? Is Omaha even a real city, or is it just a figment of our imagination, a city we hear about in storybooks and songs?

I'm worried about you, Peyton. Don't kill all those valuable brain cells because you're worried about losing your helmet on a huge sack - the rules very clearly state you personally are not allowed to get hit, anyway.

(Also, congrats on winning and stuff)

On Doug Pederson, Who's Actually Going to Coach the Eagles, I Guess

2016 is going to be a fun test for Eagles fans.

Chip Kelly is gone, run out of town before this past season could even end. The goodwill he built up after two 10-6 seasons was all spent thanks to an offeason power play that led to him assuming the role of general manager and making some questionable (read: wrong) personnel decisions. His coaching became uninspired and predictable – whether this was a result of his bad roster moves or other teams catching on to his once-revolutionary schemes depends on how much slack you’re willing to cut him.

He was arrogant. He thought he was smarter than he was. His college system was never going to work in the “National. Football. League.” He was kind of a dick to his players. Whether you believe all, some, or none of these things (I believe #2 and #4 – and a little bit of #1, but all NFL coaches are pretty arrogant to a degree), they’re all arguments made by Eagles fans to justify Kelly’s ouster.

It also made us nostalgic for Andy Reid, a lovable walrus who is also the best coach in Eagles history. Reid’s Kansas City Chiefs are currently in the playoffs, and they even won a game this postseason, something the Eagles haven’t done since Reid guided them to the NFC title game in 2009. Suddenly, that whole “grass is greener” thing seems to be coming true.

And thus, we have Doug Pederson.

If you’re not familiar with Doug Pederson, congratulations! This means you’re a regular, functioning human being with a healthy interest in football, as opposed to the obsessive nutjob you’d need to have in order to know who Doug f***ing Pederson is. (Two thumbs pointing at this guy) Eagles fans remember Doug from his time mentoring Donovan McNabb/getting the snot beaten out of him during Reid’s first year with the Birds. Since then, his NFL jobs have come while attached to Reid’s hip, including positions as quarterbacks coach and "offensive quality control" in Philadelphia and his current role as the offensive coordinator in Kansas City.

Well, actually, “offensive coordinator” is a fairly liberal use of the term for Pederson – he’s not actually in charge of the offense, nor does he call any plays. Reid says that Pederson has “input” into the offensive game plan and “sometimes takes over the play calling,” which is like handing your brother the controller in Mario Kart only after he complains for twenty minutes, and only after you have an insurmountable lead.

But Pederson is part of the fairly-successful Reid coaching tree, and presumably won’t cause problems with the front office the way Kelly did. Put another way, Pederson will most likely do damn near anything owner Jeffrey Lurie and general manager/corporate shill Howie Roseman want, mostly because Pederson is just so darn pleased as punch to even be thought of, by golly. “Well, call me a gigglin’ piggy, because I’m just tickled pink that someone’s talking to me! Talking to people is nice! I don’t do it much.”

Meanwhile, Chip is off to San Francisco to see if he can revive the career of Sad Colin Kapernick or Maybe Actually Not Terrible Blaine Gabbert (he really needs to get a better nickname). And if Kelly turns the 49ers around this season or next, it’s going to look awful bad for the Eagles.

Lurie fired Kelly with a game left to go this season because he wanted to get a head start on the coaching search. So it’s a little weird that the guy they wound up with is someone who, by all accounts, has received no other interest from any other team in the league. No one else interviewed Pederson this year. No one.

Several teams, however, did interview some of the bigger names on the coaching market, as did the Eagles. Presumably, since they started their coaching search before most other teams, the Eagles would have had pole position on this crop of candidates. Let’s see how it worked out, Johnny!

Hue Jackson – The Eagles never interviewed him. He signed with the Cleveland Browns, a festering cesspool that employs football players and hasn’t been to the playoffs since 1923.

Adam Gase – The Eagles had an eight-hour interview with the “quarterback guru” Gase, supposedly liked him a lot, but didn’t offer him a deal. The Dolphins did.

Bob McAdoo – Essentially the same type and caliber of coach as Gase, the Eagles interviewed him too, but he stayed with the Giants.

Sean McDermott - Just kidding! The Eagles never interviewed McDermott, which makes sense because whenever you have the chance to talk to the coordinator of one of the best defenses in the league, you need to completely ignore him. Of course, the Eagles have some history with McDermott, having fired him as their defensive coordinator years ago so they could replace him with an offensive line coach, which...hm...you know, actually, Andy Reid was pretty dumb sometimes.

Tom Coughlin – For some reason, the rebuilding Eagles wanted to hire a 69 year old Super Bowl-winning head coach who has no incentive to go anywhere he isn’t paid like royalty and given a roster that could make the playoffs. Lurie didn’t even get a chance to turn him down; Coughlin took his name out of the running, supposedly because he had concerns about the Eagles staff structure.

Oh yeah, speaking of the staff structure, it’s probably important to note that the Eagles don’t officially have a general manger right now since they fired Kelly, the coach/GM/snack nazi. This could mean that Roseman, who sucks, could become GM again, or that the Eagles think hiring a coach before hiring a GM is a good idea (it’s not), or that Lurie and his staff honestly don’t know what they’re doing and nothing makes sense and everything is getting all blurry and...*passes out*

Of course, these decisions could be part of some grand, elaborate scheme. Maybe giving themselves extra time to survey the coaching landscape led the Birds to realize that none of the big names were worth signing, so they tried for a diamond in the rough with Pederson. Maybe they knew Coughlin wasn’t going to sign with them and just wanted to pick his brain. Maybe the same could be said for Gase and McAdoo. Maybe the Eagles know who their GM is already and know that he/she is cool with Pederson as coach.

Maybe it’s all part of the plan. But we just got done with a coach who asked us to believe that all his crazy, nontraditional decisions were going to work out, and we didn’t like him. Just because he got fired doesn’t mean the people who fired him know any better.

And I swear to God, if Chip Kelly makes Colin Kaepernick good again...

On NFL RedZone and Drinking

I’m going to miss you, Scott Hanson.

Today’s the final day of the NFL regular season, which means a few things. It means it’s the final chance for a few teams to win divisions or lock up playoff spots. On a related note, it means the Eagles are once again playing a meaningless football game.

But it’s also the last day until next fall that the sweet, dulcet tones of Scott Hanson will grace my ears. Hanson is, of course, the host of Verizon’s broadcast of NFL RedZone, the greatest channel and television program ever.

RedZone broadcasts 7/1/17 – that’s seven hours a day (from 1:00 to 8:00 PM), one day a week (Sunday), 17 weeks a year (the 17 weeks of the NFL regular season). That’s 119 hours of programming, or 1.3 percent of the year that the channel actually operates. Also, besides the small portion of the program that shows Hanson in studio, the show simply rebroadcasts portions of NFL games that are simultaneously being aired on channels that you already get with your basic cable package (RedZone costs about $90/year).

And yet, I reiterate – despite airing football games you likely already get on another channel and broadcasting for less time per year than the Yule Log network, NFL RedZone is the greatest program on television.

RedZone flashes between every game currently on TV, showing whichever game is closest to having a touchdown scored. They show every touchdown from every game, no matter how insignificant. They show no commercials. It distills football down to its most marketable moments – incredible touchdowns from its star players. It is the football equivalent of the first four days of March Madness, or crack cocaine. And it is the greatest program on television.

Some communists might point out that RedZone diminishes the complexity of football, making fans more concerned about what impacts their fantasy team than what is actually happening on the field. It reduces their actual understanding of the game. Also, by cutting away from games as soon as a play ends instead of showing what happens between plays, it serves as a distraction from the real issues plaguing professional football, like head injuries or Tony Siragusa.

Chances are, though, that if the only football programming you view on a weekly basis is RedZone, you probably don’t care about any of the additional complexities of football, anyway. Most of the folks I know who watch RedZone regularly either a. Watch, listen or read a ton of other football coverage during the week, which undoubtedly fills them in on some of those other aspects of the game, or b. Don’t care anyway and are just watching football for the social element of watching with friends.

With that, I’d like to contribute to society by combining RedZone with another of our most hallowed social activities: drinking. This isn’t the first RedZone drinking game ever created, nor is it likely the best. It’s just the one my roommate and I came up with and enjoy, and since this is my blog and not yours, this is the one you’re getting. Happy football.

The Kazblog’s Verizon NFL RedZone Drinking Game (can be adapted for the DirectTV NFL RedZone broadcast hosted by Andrew Siciliano)

• Take a sip when…
• Scott opens the show by saying, “Seven hours of commercial free football…start now!”
• A touchdown is scored
• They kick it back to the studio because all games are on commercial break
• “DraftKings” or fantasy football is mentioned
• Soctt says some variation of the phrase “every touchdown from every game.”

• Whenever a multi-box of games appears on screen, drink one second for every box on screen (i.e. 2 seconds for a double box, 8 seconds for an octo box)

• Finish your drink any time Scott mentions commercials (i.e. “We don’t do commercials here on NFL RedZone)