I’m going to miss you, Scott Hanson.
Today’s the final day of the NFL regular season, which means
a few things. It means it’s the final chance for a few teams to win divisions
or lock up playoff spots. On a related note, it means the Eagles are once again
playing a meaningless football game.
But it’s also the last day until next fall that the sweet,
dulcet tones of Scott Hanson will grace my ears. Hanson is, of course, the host
of Verizon’s broadcast of NFL RedZone, the greatest channel and television
program ever.
RedZone broadcasts 7/1/17 – that’s seven hours a day (from
1:00 to 8:00 PM), one day a week (Sunday), 17 weeks a year (the 17 weeks of the
NFL regular season). That’s 119 hours of programming, or 1.3 percent of the
year that the channel actually operates. Also, besides the small portion of the
program that shows Hanson in studio, the show simply rebroadcasts portions of
NFL games that are simultaneously being aired on channels that you already get
with your basic cable package (RedZone costs about $90/year).
And yet, I reiterate – despite airing football games you
likely already get on another channel and broadcasting for less time per year
than the Yule Log network, NFL RedZone is the greatest program on television.
RedZone flashes between every game currently on TV, showing
whichever game is closest to having a touchdown scored. They show every
touchdown from every game, no matter how insignificant. They show no commercials.
It distills football down to its most marketable moments – incredible touchdowns
from its star players. It is the football equivalent of the first four days of
March Madness, or crack cocaine. And it is the greatest program on television.
Some communists might point out that RedZone diminishes the
complexity of football, making fans more concerned about what impacts their
fantasy team than what is actually happening on the field. It reduces their
actual understanding of the game. Also, by cutting away from games as soon as a
play ends instead of showing what happens between plays, it serves as a
distraction from the real issues plaguing professional football, like head injuries
or Tony Siragusa.
Chances are, though, that if the only football programming
you view on a weekly basis is RedZone, you probably don’t care about any of the
additional complexities of football, anyway. Most of the folks I know who watch
RedZone regularly either a. Watch, listen or read a ton of other football
coverage during the week, which undoubtedly fills them in on some of those
other aspects of the game, or b. Don’t care anyway and are just watching
football for the social element of watching with friends.
With that, I’d like to contribute
to society by combining RedZone with another of our most hallowed social
activities: drinking. This isn’t the first RedZone drinking game ever created,
nor is it likely the best. It’s just the one my roommate and I came up with and
enjoy, and since this is my blog and not yours, this is the one you’re getting.
Happy football.
The Kazblog’s Verizon NFL RedZone Drinking Game (can be adapted for the
DirectTV NFL RedZone broadcast hosted by Andrew Siciliano)
- Take a sip when…
- Scott opens the show by saying, “Seven hours of commercial free football…start now!”
- A touchdown is scored
- They kick it back to the studio because all games are on commercial break
- “DraftKings” or fantasy football is mentioned
- Soctt says some variation of the phrase “every touchdown from every game.”
- Whenever a multi-box of games appears on screen, drink one second for every box on screen (i.e. 2 seconds for a double box, 8 seconds for an octo box)
- Finish your drink any time Scott mentions commercials (i.e. “We don’t do commercials here on NFL RedZone)
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