On Soda

I'm back from vacation - I promise I'll catch everyone up on all the shenanigans and tomfoolery from Mardi Gras, but suffice it to say, my rigorous schedule would not have allowed me to write anything worthwhile during my time in New Orleans.

In the meantime, it's Lent again, which means it's time for all good Catholics and masochists to dredge up all that spare guilt they've got lying around and decide on a sacrifice of some sort. Usually, this comes in the form of giving up a food, drink or activity for the duration of time between Ash Wednesday (where the black stuff on everyone's forehead comes from) and Easter, when Jesus rose from the dead so that Peeps could be free from sin.

Some suck-ups out there will instead add an extra activity to their day-to-day routine, like charity work or extra time to pray. Those people do not have Diet Dr. Pepper coursing through their veins like I do. This is why, for the third year in the past four, I am giving up soda for Lent.

There's no huge explanation here apart from the one that follows: I love Diet Dr. Pepper a lot, drink more of it than I should and spend more money on DDP annually than I do on pretty much all personal grooming goods combined. (Fortunately, there's a solution for that!) I consider it a valid test of my willpower and a boon to my health to rid myself of it for 40+ days.

I'm also not going to dissect the act of self-sacrifice or discuss Lenten promises through a theological or secular lens, though I will say that even nonreligious or non-Catholics could benefit from this annual personal trial.

Mostly, I'm just going to warn you that I'm going to be ornery. I will likely substitute my daily 3-6 DDP quota with some combination of coffee and seltzer water, not necessarily apart from each other depending on how desperate I am. It will not be the same. I also won't even start on the "only fish on Fridays" thing that I will almost certainly screw up by inadvertently not eating meat all week until Friday comes and I launch face first into a KFC Family Fill-Up because I am a stupid moron.

Lock up your daughter. Lock up your wife. Lock up your soda and run for your life.