On "Bar Resue" and Alcohol

I don't like reality/improvement shows, but I love Bar Rescue.

The arc of each episode is identical: Jon Taffer, screaming lunatic and bar expert, comes to a comically awful bar that is usually woefully understaffed by lazy bartenders, incompetent cooks, and apathetic owners. Taffer and whatever cocktail-making, food-serving friends he brings with him sweep into the bar, humiliates the staff in front of their customers, berates them in private, then magically transforms the run-down dive into a shiny new establishment. In the process, Taffer also somehow manages to solve whatever personal issues plaguing the owners, from workplace arguments to domestic issues - you know, because a nightclub mogul is the guy you want smoothing over your failing marriage.

Let's set aside the wisdom of putting expensive, state-of-the-art taps, cooking tools, and entertainment gadgets in the hands of bar employees who, just days prior to the renovation, were totally okay with drinking behind the bar and serving beer in gunked-up glasses while rats ran around the restaurant. (Turns out giving someone with a suspended license the keys to a Ferrari doesn't always work out in the long run)

Taffer seems to pull 90 percent of the bar concepts out of his ass - the first 50 minutes of the episode focus on ripping the existing staff a new one, then magically, a new bar just reappears with five minutes left in the show. Supposedly, all the renovations are done in "two days" or so. How structurally sound are these places? Does anyone know how to sustain the place after he leaves?

And yet, in spite of all this, I love this show.

The show is almost never on in individual episodes, which means whole Sundays can be spent watching a huge-lipped greaser build new bars and cripple the self-esteem of people living paycheck to paycheck. But it's so much fun learning about new cocktails, seeing new types of bars and gawking at fancy toys (like a TV that doubles as a mirror when it's off). About an hour and a half into a marathon, I'm planning out my own bar in some abandoned building in Newark. We're COMING FOR YOU, Timothy's.

It's only fitting that watching a fun, predictable show about bars during the day lends itself well to a drinking game. So in the second installment of our Drinking Games series, I give you...

The Official Kazblog Bar Rescue Drinking Game

Take one sip every time:

• An employee angrily walks out of the bar
• An employee cries
• Mosquitoes, fruit flies, roaches, or any other bugs are found in the bar
• The "stress test" fails (spoiler alert: it always fails)
• The bartender or chef is resistant to/rejects a new technique for doing their job
• Cross-contamination is found in the kitchen
• Taffer says "You think that's funny?"
• Taffer calls someone a failure
• Taffer talks about line of sight/vision
• Someone finds standing water in the bar or kitchen

Take two sips every time:

• A bar manager or owner angrily walks out of the bar
• Rodentia are found in the bar
• Taffer shuts down the bar
• The new bar has to do with sports

Finish your drink when:

• Taffer angrily walks out of the bar
• Taffer says "This place is disgusting!"

Shotgun a whole beer/take a full shot or drink when:

• Taffer can't save the bar